Personal Reflections | Wende Sanders, MS, CC

I Am

I am NOT perfect; I can’t be and won’t be perfect.

I AM special; I am loving and lovable.

I am ONLY one, but I am one.

I am God’s UNIQUE creation.

I CAN make a difference.

I AM Phenomenal!

You’ve lost your muchness-Alice in Wonderland

Alice from Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland

“You’re not the same as you were before. You were much more muchier; you’ve lost your muchness.” –Mad Hatter

“My muchness?” – Alice

“In there (your heart/core), something is missing.” –Mad Hatter

I recently saw (twice) Alice in Wonderland directed by Tim Burton; I can’t believe how much I loved it. It was such a powerful metaphor for life. In my opinion, the dialogue above was one of the most powerful moments of the movie. And, based on Alice’s continual reference from that point forward to possessing her “muchness,” it was powerful to her as well. Many of us have found ourselves involved in events and circumstances that caused us to lose our muchness. Survivors of any type of abuse, molestation, rape, harassment, stalking, disease, cancer, job loss, etc are very likely to experience this as a result of their negative experiences. I’m very grateful to know for a fact that we can regain our muchness, once we decide that we deserve to reclaim it!

As with most aspects of personal development, it begins with making a decision. I hope that today you decide that you deserve to reclaim your God-given right to restore your muchness. If you still have some of it, but it seems to be on life support, then decide to resuscitate your muchness. If you are one of the phenomenal women that has successfully reconnected with and revived your muchness, please look around and help another woman that is currently where you have been. I promise, you won’t need to look far to find one.

Just as Alice does in the movie, we all have a Jabberwocky (scary dragon) that only we can slay. And we all have access to the “sword” we need to slay that dragon. The question I ask of myself and encourage you to ask yourself is “Am I willing to have faith in God and myself, face my fears (despite how real/pressing/pee-in-your-pants-scary they may be) and take the action to retrieve the sword and slay the foe?” For me the answer is “Absolutely! Yes!” I will admit that there was a PROCESS for me to get to that YES. But, I did it, by God’s grace and I believe you can too. If you decide, to reclaim your muchness and be much muchier once again!

Celebrity Spotlight: Lessons Learned from Angelina Jolie

Whether you love her or love to hate her, Angelina Jolie is definitely a powerful force. She’s a devoted mom, a committed humanitarian, and a highly sought after and talented actress; how’s that for a triple threat. Despite the tabloid’s obsession with her and the twists & turns in her life, she remains steadfast in her determination to be herself, for better or for worse. I’d love to share with you the lessons I’ve learned from Angelina over the years.

“I think all women go through periods where we hate this about ourselves, we don’t like that. It’s great to get to a place where you dismiss anything you’re worried about. I find flaws attractive. I find scars attractive.”

- Angelina Jolie

What does it say about us when we live in a society where most women can find some aspect of themselves (physical or otherwise) that they dislike? Even many women who have been voted The Most Beautiful Woman in the World, like Angelina, battle insecurities and feelings of being undesirable. It’s definitely time for us to acknowledge that we were indeed miraculously and wonderfully made. I agree with Ms. Jolie that the so called flaws that we possess can be quite beautiful. I’m reminded of one of my favorite lyrics from an old song called Lady, from The Whispers. The lyric says “Your body’s designed by the wisdom of time. And, I couldn’t live without you, without losing my mind.” I love this line because I think it perfectly describes the unique beauty of women. I think of it when I see the alterations to my body after carrying my beloved daughter. Then, I say to myself “Girl you still look good! These changes are beautiful, they were designed by the wisdom of time!”

“If you ask people what they’ve always wanted to do, most people haven’t done it. That breaks my heart.”

- Angelina Jolie

This is a sad but true epidemic, even in the age of the “bucket list.” But, I am committed to do my part to help change it. That’s why I focus on helping women create the lifestyle they thought was out of reach. I know that so many women are tired of pretending to have it all together, when in actuality, they are not living the life they wanted, in the career they wanted or in the relationship they wanted. The lesson I take from Angelina here is that I have the right and the responsibility to pursue the life I want for myself and my family.

“I’m happy being myself, which I’ve never been before. I always hid in other people, or tried to find myself through the characters, or live out their lives, but I didn’t have those things in mine.”

- Angelina Jolie

Getting to the point of being genuinely happy being yourself is one of the most important goals of personal growth and development. For most of us, this is an ongoing journey that parallels our lives; just when we think we’ve arrived, BAM something happens that requires us to regroup and start over again. The goal is the dust yourself off and get to that place again and again until we are there more often than not.

My challenge to you is to take some private time alone and look at yourself in your natural state, that’s right in your birthday suit. See the beauty in your “flaws” and the sexiness that comes from having a body that’s designed by the wisdom of time. Then, think of 3 of the things you really want to do with your life, relationships, career, home or another area. Write them down, and create an outline to get them started. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just get started. Finally, ask yourself if you are in a place where you’re happy being you (the real you, not someone you pretend to be so that other people will like you). If we take a lesson from Angelina Jolie in these areas, we’ll be on our way to being powerful forces too!

4 Comments March 17, 2010

Celebrity Spotlight: Lessons Learned from First Lady Michelle Obama

First Lady Michelle Obama

I believe that success leaves clues. With that in mind, I study as many people as possible that have attained the type of “whole life’” success to which I aspire. That’s why I’m including the Celebrity Spotlight Feature in Phenomenal Life and Career Newsletter. It’s my extreme honor to feature our country’s First Lady as the first celebrity to be profiled.

Over the last several years I’ve had the pleasure of learning about the Phenomenal Woman that is First Lady Michelle Obama. During that time, I’ve adopted her as one of my mentors and role models. I aspire to be as gracious, stylish and confident as she appears to be.

In my opinion, Mrs. Obama is living proof that yes we can have it all, love, family, career, happiness and fulfillment if we are willing to work at it. Here are just 3 of the secrets to success I’ve learned from her:

1. Choose your priorities and let them shape your life.

“And in my own life, in my own small way, I’ve tried to give back to this country that has given me so much. That’s why I left a job at a law firm for a career in public service, working to empower young people to volunteer in their communities. Because I believe that each of us–no matter what our age or background or walk of life–each of us has something to contribute to the life of this nation.”

2. Being classy and intelligent are always fashionable and never go out of style.

“One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals. And so when I hear about negative and false attacks, I really don’t invest any energy in them, because I know who I am.”

3. Self-care is not selfish, it’s smart; because, it refuels you so you can continue to give to others.

“I have freed myself to put me on the priority list and say, yes, I can make choices that make me happy, and it will ripple and benefit my kids, my husband, and my physical health. That’s hard for women to own; we’re not taught to do that. It’s a lesson that I want to teach my girls so they don’t wait for their “aha” moment until they’re in their 30s like I was (laughs). Maybe they can experience it a little earlier.”

My challenge to you is to take an assessment of your own life and career choices. Do they truly reflect who you are and your current priorities? Or are they more like some random mix of outcomes created by default? Let’s take a cue from Mrs. Obama, and be more intentional about how we design our lives. Many women spend more time designing their outfits than they do on designing their lives. Please don’t be one of them.

From Auto-Pilot to Aha Moment

This week I have had two different experiences that have taught me the same lesson. I’m always grateful to have an “aha” moment, especially if I can laugh about it. These experiences moved me from the auto-pilot mode of routine tasks to a valuable aha moment. I know that this lesson will be as beneficial to you as it has been to me.

First, I went to the Post Office and got stuck in the parking lot by a delivery truck that blocked the entrance. While I was there I was amazed at what you can see if you just sit still and pay attention. I saw an off-duty police officer assist a man having difficulty backing out of his parking space. (Sweet!) I saw what can happen when a man leans over to get something out of his car and he insists on wearing the waist of his pants all the way down to his hips. (Gross!) That man created a total eclipse this afternoon; if you missed it, thank The Lord! But the icing on the cake was when a lady parked beside me cursed at a child in the back seat for putting his feet on the chair while the song “The God in Me” (a Gospel song) by Mary Mary played loudly in their car! (Poor child!) It was truly too ironic.

Later, I went by the Central branch of the Public Library. While I was there I saw many of the changes that had been recently made to their layout. I go to the library regularly, sometimes several times a month. However, there are several areas that I never gave a second thought, until today. The North Carolina room is now housed in the area that formally held the periodicals. (Hang in there with me; I am going to make a point with this story.) When, I saw it in its new location, I decided to peek in just to see what the new space looked like. Well, when I walked into the room I was greeted by an extremely helpful and friendly Librarian. She explained all of the info that I could find in the room; the one that stuck out for me the most was genealogy. I have a few relatives that I’d love to learn about, and this will be a wonderful resource to assist me. While re-familiarizing myself with the Library I also decided to go into the Teen Central Section. I’ve passed this section countless times and never bothered to go in to check it out. Well, when I walked in I saw that there was another room straight to the back. It looked like a funky lounge/internet café type of space. It was painted in a cool color and had chalkboard paint on the back wall that had been decorated with a beautiful abstract chalk design. The Librarian in this section said I was the second person today to come by and tell her they didn’t realize this room exists. I didn’t get to check out the whole library today because I had other obligations. But, I certainly intend to look at more of it when I return the items I’ve borrowed. So, what’s the point of the story? Have you figured it out yet?

My point here is that it is truly amazing what you can see and learn when you let yourself stop long enough and just pay attention. I was able to see the best and the worst in human behavior while just sitting in my car. And, I discovered new and interesting things in a place that I frequently visit. What can you discover about your children, your colleagues, your spouse and yourself if you just pause long enough to pay attention and be open to exploring the possibilities? My challenge to you is to take yourself off of auto-pilot and start benefiting from what is happening around you every day. You have an “Aha Moment” waiting for you.

Are You Using Your Strengths to Excel and Succeed?

Life is what we make it. Always has been, always will be.

Grandma Moses

I recently read the book Now, Discover Your Strengths by Marcus Buckingham and Donald Clifton. The primary premise of this book is that the “Rock Stars” in any Industry or Position do not waste their time or efforts trying to perfect their weaknesses. Instead, they know that the greatest opportunity for growth and excellence is in building upon their existing strengths, and then managing around their weaknesses. This way of thinking is definitely against the grain and the opposite of how most of us were indoctrinated. That’s why I was initially doubtful. Never the less, I am now a pom-pom carrying “Strengths-based Cheerleader.” I’ve seen the light and will stop trying to become perfect in every area. (Well, I’ll try to stop. After all “My name is Wende, and I’m a recovering Perfectionist.” Admitting it IS the first step!)

The book was recommended to me last year by someone I respect, so I added it to my list of books to read and didn’t think much more about it. Then, it was mentioned recently by my mentor. So, I decided to buy it and dug in. Along with the book comes a code to take an online assessment to determine your top 5 talent profiles (the areas that can most easily become your strengths). The authors refer to these as your signature themes. Before you fall asleep on me, keep reading!

How can I explain the experience of receiving my 5 signature themes and reading about them in this book? It was like having someone you just met describe you to a tee and tell you about your interests, behaviors and tendencies. The experience was amazing! The theme descriptions also helped to affirm for me that the very purpose that I believe I was created to fulfill is also the one that God gave me the natural talents to achieve. Have you have ever experienced a momentary period of wondering if you are crazy for attempting what you are working toward? If so, then you know how wonderful it is when you get a divine confirmation that you are indeed on the right track!

So, obviously I wholeheartedly recommend this book. But, even more, I urge you to take action and use your knowledge, skills and natural talents to move you ahead in the ways that are most important to you. I’ve heard the statement that the richest place on earth is the graveyard, because so many people pass away with all of their wealth still in them. They were too fearful, lazy, etc to mine the gold that was placed within them by their Creator. I don’t intend on living or dying with my wealth of talent going untapped and underutilized. I hope you can say the same thing.

My challenge to you is to identify your natural talents. Then, decide how you will grow them into amazing strengths that will catapult you to the success (in your personal and professional life ) that you desire and deserve. Doing this will not only help you, but it will also ensure that you are giving back to society from the place of unlimited wealth that is within you. That’s what I call a “win-win!”

Why I Quit My Job

During November 2008, I received a death threat from a former employee that had been laid off from the company. Since I was the Human Resources Manager, he viewed me as the cause of his problems. Receiving such a threat surely prompted me to reflect on where I was I my life, what I was doing and what I was not doing. As a result of that turning point in my life, I chose to resign from a job I enjoyed and start my own personal and professional development company.

Don’t get me wrong, this decision was accelerated due to the traumatic event, but that event was not the cause of my decision. For years I have wanted to own my own business and achieve success on my own terms. But, alas, the comfort and perceived security of employment kept me in a holding pattern. Can you relate? So I saved up my money, knowing that one day I would “step out on my own.” The only thing I didn’t know is when and how it would happen. For some reason, it seems like I thought there would be some huge obvious sign to let me know that “Now is the time!” But that never happened. What I did get was a quiet and peaceful voice that said, “Wende, it’s time now. You’re ready!”

Well, that was a total shock to me because I certainly didn’t believe that I was ready. Although I had completed the training I needed, created a financial reserve and had an idea of how I wanted my business to run, I still felt unprepared to actually act on it. But that is where my faith came into the picture. I knew for a fact that I could not succeed in business (or in life for that matter) without God’s help and guidance. So I took a massive leap of faith and trusted that where God provides a vision he also provides provision.

After several years of working with the people that I had grown to know as my “work family” I submitted my resignation in January 2009. My choice was not based on running away from something unpleasant, but rather on running toward something new and exciting. In the time since I’ve started Universal Possibilities LLC, a personal and professional development company for women, I’ve had the opportunity to reach and help new people! The road of entrepreneurship gets bumpy at times, but whenever I start to wonder if I made the “right” choice. I reflect on the women that I coach and know that I would not want to be doing anything else with my life but what I am doing right now. How many people do you know that can say that about their job or business? Can you say it about yours?

If you would like some guidance and a step-by-step process to achieving the career success that you desire, then consider registering for my upcoming Phenomenal Woman, Phenomenal Career Coaching Program. My experience and insight as a Human Resources Manager, Certified Career & Life Coach, and working Mom can help you to clarify your career goals and create a personalized strategy to achieve them. The program is conducted over the telephone, so your geographic location is never a factor.

1 Comment September 30, 2009

A Painted Rose

This weekend I got to spend time with a lot of my family. It was wonderful to be able to catch up with one another and find out about the new twists and turns that life has brought into each of our lives. One of the things that stood out for me was a conversation with one of my young cousins.

She is preparing to go off to college in the next few days and made a comment that she wanted to get a hair weave before leaving for school. This statement really surprised me because the implication was that she didn’t believe she was beautiful enough with her own hair. Now let me be clear, I’m not trying to pull one of those “Baby, you’re beautiful on the inside so that makes you beautiful on the outside” comments that Mothers are famous for telling their girls. No, this young lady is truly beautiful; she looks like a famous pop music singer. So the fact that she saw herself as needing some type of dramatic “enhancement” was baffling to me. It made me concerned about how my own daughter will one day see herself, despite that fact that she too is a beautiful girl.

The whole experience made me think about my days as a teen and a Twenty-something. I remember experimenting with fake hair, fake nails, and even a fake eye color. I thought that these things added to my beauty. Wait, that’s not true, at the time I didn’t see myself as beautiful, so I tried those things hoping that they would MAKE me beautiful. It has taken some time and reprogramming my mindset to no longer accept the fashion industries standard of beauty as the only or even the most important one that exists. It also required an upgrade to my confidence level to appreciate who and what I see in the mirror. Now that I’m in my Thirties I can appreciate the unique beauty that is mine. And, at times I will even look in the mirror and sing to myself, “You are so beautiful to me…!”

Back to my cousin. When I thought about what she wanted to do it reminded me of a magnificent rose. What if the rose thought, “This shade of red isn’t pretty enough. I need to get some paint and paint myself Crayola red.” Of course that is absurd, the rose doesn’t doubt it’s exceptional appeal, nor would the majority of us want to smell and admire a painted rose. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not speaking against using make-up or coloring our hair. Those little tweaks can be provide much needed pick me ups and help to accentuate our most exquisite features as women. However, when we let ourselves get to a point where we are dependent on them, and feel as though we are inadequate and unappealing without them, we really have a problem. When a beautiful young girl with a “celebrity face and figure” sees herself and thinks “this isn’t good enough,” then something is wrong.

I don’t know if my cousin will end up getting the weave added to her hair or not. But I do hope that either way, she looks at her reflection and knows that whether her hair cascades down her back or whether it barley skims her neck that she truly is beautiful on the inside and that is what magnifies her external beauty. It turns out Mama was right all along!